I’m battered and coarse and exhausted, my patience is a bleeding nostril hair.
It’s cold and raining and my boat’s not sailing, I can’t fish and I need comfort, shelter from the storm, we’re out of coffee except for a jar of instant Folger’s Crystals that expired before dear Johnny Cash did and I’m microwaving a couple of stale cups of low shelf roast from yesterday’s cold pot and when they’re gone it’ll be just store brand tea bags for me the rest of the day but that’ll be okay except I won’t be awake before I make the switch to that caffeinne delivery system and #doody, #whiz, #intercourseinyourveins, #thenastycmefeelmewhambamthankyoumaamword, #roostervaccuum, #madonnafertilizer, and #sweatermeat. #Fuckit.
Good day to make chicken soup. Two pot method. I’ll explain later after I soak up half of my real coffee from the floor of the microwave after hitting the wrong #spermreuptakeinhibitor swallow this dammit coat your tongue with that good French Vanilla creamer I’ll be damned if I give them a free plug I need some PayPal.me/SilverWillie/2.99 friend to friend greasy palm action you know what I mean to keep the lights on and some ink in the printer, print is dead my ass, I just need a ream from that office supply store which I love but can’t even afford (this ad space link for sale or rent dammit wanna play? PAY me).
No more free rides you bastards. This friggin’ chicken DIED for this soup making wake, and it might taste like Hell when I’m done, but I ain’t payin’ for this funeral alone. You want the buffet spread to pay your respects and get a free bowl of this hearty flavored swampwater to be? This is not gonna be any chicken little chickenshit broth nor non-beefy content. I make GREAT chicken soup, but if you want some, or even the full
REST of the story on this fine fowl liquer de chickadee baby, you canpay me $1 USD IN ADVANCE and I’ll email you a friggin’ PDF. I’m serious. I’ll send you the full essay, the recipe and if I can figure out how to do an end around the let them eat a #roostercloacathroughapaperstraw maybe a pre-mixed spice package in a friggin zip-loc style bag NOT that I am endorsing any brand of zip seal plastic choke the turtles early heat death for the galapagos ass plastic baggie snack size portion thing.
Buy the entire package or buy the individual ingredients or directions thereof and waste your money and complicate my life even more than you can possibly imagine but if you pay me I stop bitching. That ALONE should be worth two bits beheezus.
Here’s what we have for you:
soup pot to cook said chicken in
soup pot sutable for vegetables stock broth
water if you don’t trust your tap water, or if you’re so friggin wealthy you just HAVE to have some artesian kinda spew geezus astronauts frink their own peepee and you can’t make soup from your own damn municipal water supply and you’re gonna be boiling it anyway? elitist morons I do NOT needing sharing with their rich friends “Oh, #BillPurkinsWrites so (insert a laundry list of superlatives and then insert them hard, deep and repeatedly in YOUR cloaca, then put a little hemmerhoid cream on THAT, see your PCP, go home, go to bed and have some friggin chicken soup and feel better).
Hell with this. The 2nd and last cup of my real antique coffee is ice cold in the microwave having been forgotten while I three finger Scruggs style banjo picker type this dribble you’re reading right now and I have to microwave it a THIRD time before I can bear to edit this slop, worse yet drink the swill which by now is damn near freeze dried from dehydration.
Send me a dollar and I’ll send you an original print out of the recipe with anecdotal commentary on the perils of what it takes for someone with my problems to make chicken soup in the shap I’m in. I’ll number it, hand-sign it with a crayon, you can even pick the color ROYGBIV only absolutely NO mood colors dammit, and I’ll add a handwritten 25 words or less whatever the fuck you want there I said it, you happy? Also, please indicate if you will be giving it as a gift so I can write a personal note the the recipient, one person only NO lists or couples to you cheap pieces of shit out there, unless it’s like a jump the broom thing I guess that’s okay, or the off chance there’s a traditional marriage but #WTF kind of wedding gift would an autographed chicken soup recipe really be from me? In case you haven’t noticed, Martha Stewart does NOT call me, or perhaps she spoofs her caller ID and I’m missing out, god she’s still hot. Rachel Ray too. Christ I still weep for Justin Wilson, but I can’t handle the cayenne pepper anymore and I’m off red wine, well let’s not go there. Back to becoming a boullionaire.
#billpurkinswrites chicken soup numbered hand-signed chicken soup offer> © 2019 bill purkins bop3 deer park, ny 11729 631-553-0748 void where you can’t do it, sorry don, it’s funny and i’m i’m not giving you formal credit, unless you come after me which would be probably more lucrative than the 2 copies of this I will buy for my dogs before I give them some of the chicken.