editor’s note. this is satire, okay? geezus.
In a bizarre twist of events, an unidentified and legally very stoned self medicating medical marijuana Boulder, Colorado man mistakenly and or unfortunately accepted a telephone solicitation call with a spoofed number suggesting he was dealing with a local home improvement who claimed to live just a few blocks from the self appointed #RockndRollHallofFame, #TheGodsMustBeCrazy (wtf?) but actually was in Calcutta, India in a telephone boiler room which also doubled as a sewage treatment plant that produces water almost clean enough to do laundry with and brew some kind of hideous local popular herbal black tank tea from Recreational Vehicle sludge imported from assorted environmentally pro-active campgrounds in the United States and later exported to a water flavor enhancing relabeling distributor in Brooklyn, NY which keeps slamming their phone down when we call for some reason we don’t understand, we just wanna know if they have a Pumpkin Latte Spice thing and it’s like WTF okay so it’s not Espresso but you need to go all Goodfellas on us?
Like #MoodDudeBro, okay? Sorry, but chill it, that’s why decaffe is here. #KrapchatThat, yknow?
So wtf, the contractor gets his social security number and bank debit card pin number so he can like do a credit check, can you believe that? Like, who gives out more than the last 8 of their SS# and more than 3 of their PINs, okay? It’s like he was just asking for it. These people overseas are just trying to make a living feed their families or maybe just like get a Visa get into the US as quick as possible cuz they got a sick relative or something serious going on and they can’t just take a combo hiking / swimming vacation up from Mexico across the Rio Grande on the cheap anymore because Trump still thinks Pink Floyd’s new album is still the Wall, he’s outta touch man, that’s why we need a fresh new face like Bernie maybe, or Nancy Pelosi is looking better since the totally unfounded rumors that #FecesBleahck started airbrushing ALL photos with any textscan that has a photo in it from any state with a sanctuary city in it, damn, Mr. Zonkerturd only did ONE YEAR at Harvard and he thinks of krap like that. Imagine if he’d like finished his degree aor maybe even just got like a 2 year associate’s he’d have a trade he could fall back on when the feds finally get a grip on the https://wwmt.com/news/nation-world/it-looks-like-weed-but-its-not-law-enforcement-warn-of-fentanyl-disguised-as-cannabis-10-22-2019-122732426 situation.
Anyway? Total problems. The dude in India isn’t even LICENSED in Cleveland but he still in good faith flies from Calcutta to Canada, sneaks over the border because he has a legitimate job in the USA an obligation he is determined to fulfill faithfully, and naturally though unnaturalized, he can’t do the whole job himself so he brinks along 30 or 40 about, who has time to check these things this is breaking news right? You gotta move fast on this journalism krap or like AP is sooo good, those guys have the BEST i-phones? It’s almost like you can’t compete even. Luckily we partner with the local head shop on our Netflix and HULU save a few bucks there, and we’re getting respectable hits in certain cult demographic areas. It’s all about the demographics now. Adsense is soooo cool. Make your head spin though. All those WORDS to figure out…
So they rent this one room walk up, shower, and steal a pick up truck and head out for Colorado, Google Maps is perfect, okay? They show up a couple months later, a little late but there’s all kinds of distractions along the way and hey, the scenery from Cleveland to Boulder is like, well. Plus, they lay over in Chicago, truck gets stolen they gotta boost another one, they all register to vote a couple few hundred times, fill out the early absentee ballots, they’re movin’ right? Got a JOB to do remember, finally they show up, meet the dude, he’s delighted to get the work started before Winter, they show up in the middle of the night, wanna get this DONE, nail a bunch of 60s and 70s album covers they’ve put nail polish remover on to protect them from the elements with the original vinyly still inside, stuff they got in the flea markets in Hyderabad and on eBay even some great bargains there too, or even Alibaba maybe you can get a 20 foot container of them possibly again who knows time constraints and deadlines we figure people like Snopes will eventually check that for us, right?
We googled: https://www.google.com/search?q=how+many+square+feet+is+average+house+vinyl+siding&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS832US832&oq=how+many+square+feet+is+average+house+vinyl+siding+&aqs=chrome..69i57j33l4.22567j1j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 and got back:
The average cost to install vinyl siding on a 1,600 sq. ft. home is $4,800–$5,600, or $3.30 per square foot installed depending on the size of your home, quality of siding, and the number of accent pieces. Higher-quality siding on the same house will cost between $10,200 and $11,100 or $6.70 per square foot.
So like with the airfare for up to 40 people or more, sundries, yogurt, the apartment in Cleveland, gas, mileage charges, they could taken an Uber or if they’d thought about it maybe all started DRIVING for Uber individually and gradually met in Colorado regrouped that coulda financed the whole thing but hey, hindsight 2020 they’re new in this country, plus they’re off the radar and barely even got benefits in Iowa or Nebraska wtf but they loaded up in Chicago and even picked up some great vintage Howlin’ Wolf records people just don’t appreciate our heritage enough, sometimes it takes fresh eyes and ears to appreciate that immigrants built this country and that we were all at the wrong end of the totem pole at one point, maybe that’s a bad analogy for a number of reasons but, let’s just not go there right now. This story is already wayyyyy too long and nobody is gonna edit it so I gotta be really creful to look for those squiggly red lines and stuff you know? Lucky I took that WordPress seminar last year at the library.
So it’s like happening for this guy you’d think. They do all the work overnight, they clean out his bank account, max out his credit cards and take out a high interest loan for him using the stolen pickup as collateral, report that stolen at the same time, get the insurance money, now they got a free ride home, they go to Disneyland of course, fly back to Calcutta after visiting San Francisco hoping to watch pooper scooper cops handing out tickets to scofflaw dog walkers in front of Pelosi’s house which probably never happened you can’t believe these fake news sites of course, they had also hoped to give some of their cash on hand to the free needle guys and the people pooper scoopers
https://www.businessinsider.com/san-francisco-poop-patrol-salary-2018-8 San Francisco is establishing a “poop patrol” in order to combat the rising tide of human feces flooding its streets, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. The San Francisco Chronicle also reported that members of the patrol will make an annual base salary of $71,760 — $184,678 if you include mandated benefits.Aug 24, 2018
meanwhile https://www.cuteness.com/article/california-pooper-scooper-laws The San Francisco Health Code has a two-part ordinance–Pick It Up and Carry the Bag. Each carries a $320 fine for failure to pick up and failure to “carry a suitable container for the removal and disposal of dog feces.”
so what’s the problem? The law is the law, right? Not these hardworking guys from Calcutta who went HALFWAY around the world to do this guy a favor charging him MUCH LESS THAN Bernie’s 15 bucks an hour, okay? No union dues either, Bernie… think about THAT… And they don’t even have health care yet but their immune systems are amazing, consider all that airline food, it toughens you up.
End of the day, the ungrateful pothead in Boulder bitches about the fact that they put Milli Vanilli albums around his bathroom windows and now everybody knows where he shits, which is like an invasion of privacy WTF like isn’t it too late to raise this now?
Haven’t you ever heard of the DO NOT CALL LIST?
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