“It’s really not as bad as it sounds,”
said one of three garishly-attired, plain-clothed, armed-to-the-teeth, unemployed and self-appointed security-guards, this one known to local residents as only Lance von Pustula, who had been working a 20 minute undercover assignment with a private duty stress relief waist to knees massage therapist and nautical knot instructor behind a nearby maintenance shed, who only identified herself as “Expensive, Sailor,” but gave this reporter her card, a wink and a little slap on the butt anyway, whispering,
“Hey, when Nightstick Boy here finally gets off? Message me my Facebook hashtag and the exact phrase. “NO SPLINTERS, PROMISE,” upper case only, babe. Mr. Z is watching from the woodwork.“
After the body was removed, we spoke to a real cop at a nationally know Convenience Store around the corner where we were told off the record that the alleged crazy broad had awoken a 5:59 am to get ready for work to believe that her deadbeat husband of 17 years had once again taken the last cup of coffee for what she had delivered in writing to him the night before as promised to have the consequences of being pierced evenly over his entire body with her great grandfather’s sterling silver nut-picker should he fail to make another pot before she came downstairs the next morning.
In an unfortunate twist of fate perhaps, at approximately 5:30 am that morning, the alleged inconsiderate shit of a no-good husband had just emerged from the downstairs bathroom after vomiting for a half hour or so and before he could grab that very last cup, he found it in in the hands of and consumed by a burglar, and in an uncharacteristic display of chivalry, attempted to grab the cuppa Joe, his last words apparently, “Hey, WTF you tryin’ to get me killed? That’s my wife’s coffee.” The startled burglar shot his ass dead, cops figure he bled out in less than a minute.
Meanwhile, “The Woman” mistakenly stabbed the alleged burglar a lot of times, intending at the time once for every potential 6 ounce cup in the 30.6 oz NAME BRANDcoffee grounds cannister, but police said they gave up counting, as it was “really gross,” insinuating that no one really gave a fuck anyway, but they took the coffeepot for evidence and let “The Woman” go because she “They seemed like good people and had suffered enough.”