Huddled in fear with her 8 young children, now single mother Su Yu wept as HazMat suited church choir musicians dragged away her kicking, screaming husband and delivered him to local authorities, claiming that a night of debauchery drinking Mexican beer at a local Tavern resulted in his morning-after flatulence during church services the following day, accusing one extremely ripe fart of infecting over 200 parishioners with the deadly Coronavirus.
A fat church spokesman who reeked of rice wine and undercooked pork and asked not to be identified said, “Incident very unfortunate. Fart loud, smell real bad. People panic. They fear god. Condemn sin. So they single him out beat fucking hell out of him. What you do? Shit happens.”
A fundraising picnic is planned for the weekend, and donations of pot luck small pet pies are asked in lieu of flowers, which might make people sneeze.
Hearing about the tragedy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi did that voodoo she do so well and magically allocated an emergency 350 million dollars out of American taxpayer social security funds that will never be seen again and promised to send thirteen hundred 40 foot non-refrigerated ocean containers full of human feces from the Streets of San Francisco as a gesture of solidarity.